Where do you begin a story like hers? Her story is no different than any other story you hear in the news today but the story is hers. She lived it. She survived it. When telling a story such is hers you wonder where you start because when did the story actually begin. Did it begin with the most traumatic instance or did it begin before, long before the climatic upheaval that changed everything? Let’s start at the very beginning when her life first changed.
The first time she realized men who say "I love you" doesn’t mean "I won’t hurt you." It means "I have a sick sense of love and think my treatment of you is acceptable." Her father was abusive towards her mother albeit the abuse was cleverly hidden behind closed doors so only her imagination drew pictures of what was really happening. He was very strict with his kids as well and had the motto “kids are to be seen not heard.” He definitely took the verse from the bible all too serious “spare the rod, spoil the child.”
Her father left her mother when she was six. Her mother unknowingly turned her hatred for her husband upon all men and taught her daughters to have a very poor opinion of men. Her parent’s relationship provided a skewed example of how men and women should treat each other. She grew up believing men always hurt, abandon, and abuse women that it was normal behavior. Unfortunately, that lesson taught her to seek out and attract that sort of man because in her young mind it was “norm.” Her relationship with males were one of a need to be loved and when she didn’t get what she was looking for, it affirmed the story line in her head that men are losers, abusers, cheaters, liars, and they always leave you. At a very young age she convinced herself that she didn’t need men, she would never marry, or fall in love because it was useless and men were only good for one thing, if that!
She had kept herself busy through her teen years in attempt to avoid boyfriends and the mess that comes with it. She had one boyfriend in high school; let’s just say he was a fine example of the men she was going to attach herself to in the future. All other males in her life during her pubescent years were her buds, best friends, and she was one of the guys. It was far easier being one of the guys than dating one of the guys. She didn’t trust a single one, again thanks to the tape that was programmed in her head.
Until her first real relationship, she used men for sexual gratification because she hadn't time for feelings, emotions or allowing some man to see behind the wall she engineered around her heart and soul. She left for college after high school and began her ritual of being too busy for men except to suit physical needs. She thought she would be fine as long as she had school, work, soccer, and sex. She didn’t need to fall in love or have an actual relationship. There were plenty of men that were actually “good men," nice men but she pushed them away not believing she deserved this kind of man. Then she met the first of many men who wanted to control, abuse her physically, emotionally, or sexually. He lasted for about a year or so and was not sexually or physically abusive but very controlling and verbally abusive. This first of her string of abusers really broke her down mentally and made a path for others to walk on and widen. The tape in her head became louder thanks to him, it echoed all her self-esteem issues of not being good enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough….not enough!
After abuser #1, she went back to what she knew best, use them for her physical needs and leave them. Did not get emotionally involved, she wouldn't form any attachment. She was safer if she kept them at a distance. She kept even her friends at a distance not allowing anyone to really know her or her inner self. She soon found abuser #2. He could really hide that he wasn’t a caring, loving man who was ready to truly love. She didn’t see the signs because she wanted to be loved. Her family loved him; he was a hard worker, stable, had an amazing family that she loved more than her own and she needed someone to love her. She knew she didn't love him but she didn’t want to be alone anymore either. So they married…..
He was slightly more abusive than the last. He was smarter and more cunning than abuser #1 so his verbal abuse cut deeper. He could control her without realizing she was being controlled. They were married about 18 months when it occurred to her… she has become her mother in a marriage that she is constantly trying to please a man that can’t be pleased. She was a wife that cannot be what her husband wants, some illusion of the perfect wife. She recognized she was in marriage that was heading towards physical abuse. Up to the point she decided to leave, he was verbally, mentally abusive and had physically struck her twice. Oddly enough, she realized she was better than this and needed more. But still was drawn to the wrong kind of man.
Soon after she left abuser #2, she was drawn into a passionate relationship with an older married man. She speaks of him in the list of bad relationships because even though he was not physically or sexually abusive, he shaped her to believe she wasn’t worth a real relationship. He was mentally abusive. He had her believe she wasn't worth a deep, real, respectful, meaningful love; where a man chooses to be with just her and her alone. She believed his stories of a loveless marriage to a cold unloving wife where he was staying in this marriage for the sake of his kids. He told her every day how amazing and beautiful she was. That she was different than any other woman he had ever met. How he can’t live without her, and that they would be together. He was mentally damaging because he kept her as his lover built on lies and deceit. This relationship lasted two years.
She became the woman she hated. She became the kind of woman that her father chose to be with instead of her mother. It was at the end of the two year relationship with him, she looked at herself and said “I deserve more, your wife deserves more.” She took him aside told him they were through. He was the first man in her adult life she fell passionately in love with, or she thought. She was in love with him as much she was in love with the idea of him. He was 14 years older; she was 26 when they met. She convinced him to end the relationship and go to counseling with his wife. He needed to either fix his marriage or end it and he couldn't have them both. They went into counseling and lasted another 5 years before they eventually divorced.
It was about 5 or 6 months until she found her last and final abuser. He really impacted her world more than any other. Ironically, it was her mom and step-dad who found him. He was the best out of all the men; he could hide his true intentions convincingly. No one had a clue what she was about to experience. He chased her like a man on a mission to conquer the world. She felt desired, wanted, admired, and thought she was loved for the first time ever in her life.
He used every tactic in the book to believe he was genuinely in love with her. He cried for her when she was not with him, he made love to her with such passion and gentleness. She thought she was made of a precious stone being revered for its beauty and rarity. They dated for a year and then married. During that year, he began the brainwash her. He made sure to start telling how her family and friends do not have her best interest at heart. That he is the only person who loves her, truly loves her and believes in her. So, she began to separate herself from family and friends. She was lost in his beautiful looks, charming words, and passionate, satisfying sex. The woman she was - forever lost. She sacrificed everything for him.
Like an unexpected storm on a hot summer’s day, the real man inside prince charming appeared. Their wedding day, they were signing their marriage license with the minister when he turned to her, looking up through those thick dark eyelashes, with eyes dark and cold and he says “you are mine, you are forever my property, you will never belong to anyone…ever.” At that very moment, she was filled with exhilaration from just being married and with fear. She wanted to believe it was a declaration of love but in her heart, I knew it was not. The first physical abuse happened on their wedding night. He believed she was flirting with a man at the pool. That night back in their room he assaulted her. He was intoxicated. She hadn't seen him this way before. Turns out he had been hiding a few addictions throughout their relationship. He became dark, scary, and cold. There were no words between them. He grabbed her, pinned her down, then shoved the top of a champagne bottle in her vagina and emptied champagne into her. She remembers the stinging pain of the alcohol as he violently sexually assaulted her on their wedding night. The next day began the endless cycle of abuse and apologies. He apologized profusely, blaming the alcohol. She, of course, believed him because, how could a man who said he loved her and could never hurt or lose me to another could ever, ever hurt her? The rest of the honeymoon, she walked on egg shells and did everything he requested to ensure there would not be a repeat of the first night as husband and wife.
The abuse continued when they returned home. He was verbally, sexually, mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive in varying degrees, depending on his level of agitation. Everything she did or said from that point forward would end in a fight and some kind of abuse. He soon blamed his frustrations and treatment of her to his unhappiness professionally. He wanted to be financially successful to give her everything she deserved. Well by this time, she had an amazing career going, and making a substantial amount of money. This too was a source of aggravation for him because she made a lot more money than he did. Being the dutiful wife she was and believing that a spouse should support the dreams of the other, she financed the opening of his business. She paid for everything, including the payroll of his employees for months. This soon became too much for her financially and she began to ask him to start paying her back. Whoa….that opened the gates of hell and Lucifer walked out.
Violence ensued for months. He had her believe all of it was her fault because her parents’ divorce screwed her up. She was damaged goods as he put it. He would tell her he loved her when no one else would because she was messed up mentally, unable to have an adult relationship without manipulating and being a whiny conniving bitch like her mother. He beat her, kicked her out, and convinced her she needed to get counseling to save this marriage. Guess what….she did!
They were separated for about a year. During this time and before they got married he had multiple girlfriends, unbeknownst to her. She believed he loved her endlessly and loyally. Oh boy, abuse has a way of teaching us to see what we want to see not what reality really looks like. Of course he never helped her out financially with the debt she incurred to start his business. After counseling, he said they could try to work things out. She didn't know it then, but it was because his business was failing and he was looking to stay on the gravy train. They tried to work things out, she ended up pregnant and things returned back to what it was before. This time she was a little wiser, thanks to the counseling he made her get.
The violence was worse this time than ever. He became paranoid about everything which increased the violence towards her. His drinking became more apparent, he used to hide it from her so she had no idea just how bad it was and he was doing drugs too. She ended up getting fired because he called her work one day and the secretary would not tell him where she was. He threatened her life. They let her go stating her personal problems have impacted her professional life. This unfortunately played right into his hands; she was completely dependent on him since she no longer had money of her own.
He beat her up through the 7 month of pregnancy, then he left their home and she was alone with a baby on the way. He agreed to go to counseling of course so that he could return home because he missed his wife. Counseling was like a comedy of errors and drama that was meant to show how she was the cause of everything but this therapist had her husband’s number. He said to him, "your wife may not have the best choices in her past relationships, she may have a skewed since of relationships based on the relationship she witnessed with her parents. However your wife is not the problem, the issue, or the reason for any of the problems in your marriage. You sir, are the problem. You are destructive, abusive, addicted to alcohol and drugs." As much as she felt vindicated and reassured she was not a screwed up, crazy woman his words to her husband open the doors of hell again. The violence and paranoia trips from that day on became increasingly worse.
The cycle of violence and paranoia followed by him kicking her out and taking her back in lasted until through the first year of her son’s life. He would restrict phone calls, he would only give her $30 a month for diapers, and was only allowed 1 can of beans a day to eat all the while breastfeeding their son. He restricted her food and “allowance” thinking this would drive her back to work. The problem was every time she found work he would cause her to be let go. She wanted to believe she was at fault for all the problems in their marriage; she didn’t want to fail and be a single mother like her mother.
However the violence only escalated and he didn’t care their son watched or was even in her arms while he beat her. One day, she saw their son hit their dog. He hit her like her husband hit her and he was only one. She began that day to prepare to leave for the last time. She could not and would not allow their son to grow up and continue the cycle of abuse that she saw from her father and that her son witnessed from his father. She prepared for a month, contacting places to go and hide. She packed things sent them out and began to fill a storage container. Her husband was so consumed by alcohol and drugs he had no clue. She had no job, no money, and no clue to what was ahead for her. She just knew she had the responsibility of this little boy.
The day finally came. January 4, 2004 she left and never returned. She was homeless. She lived in a shelter with her infant son while filing and going through divorce. He fought the divorce for a year until one day he just didn’t show. The judge granted the divorce. It took 10 years to be mentally ready to date again. She even kept friends at an arm’s length; distance to prevent them from knowing her horrendous past and the true person she was. She knew if she ever was going to have a healthy relationship, she had to understand herself and come to terms with her past.
Who is Ari? She's a woman...
