She Gave Me Away

When I was conceived I thought. O ye! This is going to be fun. Every day I grew a little bit. But I could sense that things were not as they should be. Every day, different things would enter my body threw my cord. Some made my head spin. Others made me sleepy and others held my development back.  At times my little body was in so much pain, I wished Jesus would come get me and take me back to Heaven.

As I got bigger I could hear my parents fighting. I could feel my little nest being pushed and thrown around. I think that was being hit. I could sense that my mother was very sad and then shortly after that she would use that stuff that make my body pain and twist. I often wondered if she knew I was in pain, or if she even cared. The bigger I got, the worse the pain got. The fights between my parents also got worse. I had trouble staying alive. The pain was unbearable and I knew that when I am born the pain will still be there.
 
One morning, I could feel that my mother was very nervous and tense. Something was really, really wrong. After a while my little nest started pushing me down a narrow channel and then all of a sudden there was a very bright light all around me. A whole new nightmare was about to start.  My little head felt like it was going to explode. My lungs were hurting and I had trouble breathing.  My mother was not with me. She sat at the other side of the bed and didn't care that I was crying .  The milk that they gave me made me very sick. It burned my throat and made me vomit. Then, I was hungry all over again and so I drank it again. The doctors gave me all kinds of medicines that made my head and body not hurt as much.

5 long weeks, I was laid in a incubator; lonely. As my mother hardly ever picked me up. She didn't come to talk to me. When they said I could go home, I was happy. I thought things would be better.
Boy, was I wrong! She made me lay in bed all day. She did not hold me. There was also a man. I did not know his voice. But sometimes, at least he picked me up. Even smiled at me. Something my mother never did.

One morning, we got into his car and start driving.  We drove all day. This was the longest time my mother held me. When it got dark, we stopped. There was a nice lady who took me in her arms. She talked to me and kissed me all over. She sang the most beautiful tunes I had ever heard. My mother, once again, was sitting far away from me. By this time, I didn't mind as much. Because I liked this lady. She was soft and gentle. And she made me sleep next to her. She woke up when I cried.  And you know what? That night, I fell in love with her.

The next morning my mother got back into that car and drove away. She left me behind.  I found out that there were two other boys there. They tried to play with me. They were so much fun! I was happy. I decided that this is my mother and brothers. And as the time went by, I did not think about my mother as much. Because I had a mommy now. I loved my life despite the headaches, or the fact that I had trouble keeping my food in. Even when my body started shaking, Mommy was always there. We visited the doctor regularly.

Today, I am 5years old. I have brain damage. I suffer from epilepsy, low muscle tone disorder, reflux and have weak lungs. I have trouble speaking. That's okay because I have my mommy. She and my brothers understand me. Mommy doesn't mind when I have a fit in a store. Or vomit all over her in the bank. It has been 3 years since I last saw the woman who brought me into the world. But I have the best mommy in the world! She says I am her son and her Mount Zion. I am my mommy's little pumpkin.

18 and Pregnant

  When Ari was pregnant with her first child, she was only 18 years old. She wasn't the typical 18 year old that you know. Ari had been through more than most people can handle in a life time, in her 18 years. She graduated from high school at the age of 16 and graduated from college when she was 18. She was physically, emotionally and financially taking care of herself for years and was going into her third year as a caregiver and a CNA. She supported herself and was on her own living in her own apartment with her boyfriend!  It wasn't planned and it wasn't what they really wanted at the time. She was supposed to get on birth control and had an appointment to do so, but the news of her pregnancy came before that. Even though half of her family wasn’t happy, the other half was but, thought she was too young. Ari and her boyfriend, Austin, embraced it as much as they could. It didn't make her feel like all her hopes and dreams were over but she was still very scared of becoming a mom! 

   Ari was so tired in her first trimester but was still working. That was, until the news traveled to her boss who fired her. Her second trimester was a lot easier and she began to enjoy the pregnancy. She didn't start showing until she was almost 7 months but then her belly grew quickly! Ari had a couple false labors. She hoped they would keep her because she was so ready to push out her daughter. 

   Finally her due date, July 23rd, came and still no baby. Her doctor scheduled to induce her July 29th but her labor began early the morning of July 28th. The pain started around 3 a.m. Ari remembered it being so bad, she couldn’t sleep at all. She got up and went to the bathroom around 5am. When she wiped, she looked at the toilet paper and saw blood. She immediately freaked out and started crying. While she was on the toilet her contractions became so intense that she couldn't move from the toilet. She sat there crying and screaming at her boyfriend for hours but he didn't hear her. Finally, around 11:42 in the morning, she was able to get up off the toilet! She walked up to her bed and with pain and anger in her voice yelled "Austin!" He peeked his eyes open and she yelled "Get up Austin! Don’t you hear my crying and screaming for you?" As he was still trying to wake up he replied “no." Ari started to cry, telling him she thinks she needs to go to the hospital, and that she was bleeding. He jumped up faster than ever in a panic and immediately starts asking if she was okay. 

   When they got to the hospital she was dilated 3cm. She walked for an hour to help dilate more and endure some very painful contractions while waiting to go to her own room. She had a lot of people from both his family and hers there for support. Finally, in her own room and fully situated, her contractions began to increase! She couldn’t bare the pain anymore and was asked if she wanted the epidural when she was 6cm. She took it (now she looks back and wish she hadn't) it eased her pain and she fell asleep for hours. When she woke up she felt okay but 30 minutes later started feeling really horrible contractions. She  thought the epidural was supposed to take the pain away. Her nurse said sometimes it doesn’t and, in her case, it put her to sleep and gave your body some rest. Her pain was bad and around 2am the nurse said it was time to push.

   She became very scared and anxious at the same time, knowing she was about to have her baby girl in my hands. She pushed once, pushed twice and she felt herself opening. The pain was beyond explainable. Both sides of the family were taking turns holding her legs and Austin went to the bathroom to throw up. She heard everyone telling her to push. The doctor said that her head is in sight! She kept pushing but the baby wasn’t coming out. Ari gave it everything she had but she felt stuck! 

   While all this was happening and feeling horrible, her Nina was on her right lifting her leg so high it was basically over her head. On her left side, Austin's mother was barely lifting her leg. The doctor was playing with her daughter's hair because it was that long and curly saying “I’m waiting, whenever you’re ready to push her out, I’m ready!” She could have ripped all of their heads off because it was just so much of a bad combination between the three. She was crying in pain and she kept saying “she’s stuck I can’t push her out!” 

   Finally after an hour and 4 minutes, she pushed her beautiful baby girl out! It was such a relief! It was the most amazing thing in the world to have something that belonged to her and that she can call her own! She had taken care of so many babies and kids but it was completely different when she had her own child! Joy and happiness swept her over. She couldn't wait to go home with her baby girl.

   18 months later, she was pregnant again....

 

 

Who is Ari? She's a woman...

Without a Baby and Alone

  It felt like my cousin got to my house two seconds after I hung up the phone. That was impossible because she lived at least 15 minutes away. But that's how much I wanted to put off what she was making me do. I got into the car and we drove to the drug store up the street. She was in and out in a flash, shopping bag in hand. 

   When we got back to the house she read the instructions out loud and ordered me to to go the bathroom. I had been freaking out for weeks and she was the only one making me do this now, even tho I was only 1 day late for my period. Even Cali told me to stop stressing about it, convinced I was late due to stress alone.

  I went to into the bathroom, peed on the stick, laid it on the counter and sat in silence in the living room with my cousin for what felt like an eternity. 

  "Ok Ari, it's been 3 minutes," my cousin said. I just looked at her, unable to move. She asked softly, "Do you want me to go look?" I just gave her a nod. I could see her walk down the hall and turn into the bathroom. I heard nothing. In my head I thought "she is taking too long. If it was negative, it'd be easy to say. She is taking too long! Why won't she just tell me it's negative?" My cousin walked out of the bathroom with a complete blank face and said "Ari, you're pregnant." I immediately broke down, tears pouring out of my face. No! No! No! She was supposed to tell me it was negative and that I have been stressing over nothing. No, she was wrong! She had to be wrong. I have freaked out once or twice before so I knew how to read the test perfectly. She must've misread it. She handed it to me.... I thought I might pass out. TWO LINES?!?! There have never been TWO lines before! 

  I immediately called my sister who was away at college a few hours away. She was surprisingly calm and caring. Freaking out in her own way for me. I called Cali and told her I was coming over even though her and I haven't been speaking much lately. 

  When I got to her house, her little brother answered the door, his smile dropped quickly from his face. "What's the matter sister?" He asked full of concern but despite that, I raced passed him and went into Cali's room. Through tears I told her I took the test and that it was positive. She told me I should go to a clinic to be sure. We went to a clinic that gave me a free pregnancy test and while there, they prayed over me and I got saved. A few minutes later, one of the nurses told me that I was, in fact, pregnant. I was in shock. I knew it! I knew it the second it happened which is why I had been freaking out for the past couple of weeks. But to hear someone say it out loud, was shocking. To hear a confirmation, paralyzing. 

  I was only 19 years old and Douglas was the father. Of all people, Douglas. The one guy I was in love with but who wanted nothing more from me than a fake friendship and the occasional physical pleasure session. He even had a girlfriend! What would he say? What would he do? Cali tried to comfort me the best she could, but I was terrified. I had to tell him. 

  I made her go with me. She told him that she had to talk to him, knowing that we would have a better chance of him leaving the house if it was her that needed to talk rather than me. We pulled into the parking lot of a school near by. He asked what was up and Cali said "Actually Ari needs to talk to you, not me." He looked confused and said "Ok, what's up Ari?" I hesitated. I took a deep breath, looked him straight in the eye and very calmly said "I'm pregnant." He spoke almost before I could finish the sentence with "F$%k!" He sat there for a minute looking out the window, not saying anything at all. Then finally said "So what are you going to tell Detroit?" Insinuating that Detroit was the father and not himself. I said "I'm going to tell him that he is going to be an uncle!!" I was furious! Even though I raised my voice a little, I stayed surprisingly calm. Cali was shocked, at least, that's what her face told me. It seemed like several minutes went by without anyone saying a word. Finally, Douglas said very softly "Take me home." I turned around, started the car and drove him home. He got out of the car without saying a word.

  It felt like we went weeks without speaking. He would see me at friends houses and pretend like I wasn't even there. Then one night at a wedding reception of a close mutual friend, he asked if I would take him home. I agreed. When we pulled up to the house we sat in silence for a while.

   "Ari listen, I will be there for you no matter what. If you decide to have this baby, I will be a dad. I don't want to be like my dad so, I will help support the baby and be there for you. If you decide to not keep it, I will help you pay for it. I'm sorry I've been avoiding you. I'm sorry for being an asshole." I said ok and that I would let him know what I decide. He gave me a really big long hug before we got out of the car. I drove away feeling better, still not knowing what I would do.

  That was the last time he and I would speak. The next day, everything was back to how he had been acting before. All of our friends were mutual so there was no avoiding him. He would not only avoid me but pretended I didn't exist. He would look at the chair I was sitting in as if it was empty. I ended up going through everything alone. We didn't have a baby and we never talked again. 

 

Who is Ari? She's a woman...