Just For Now

Watch her smile, breathe her in
Admire her beauty, caress her skin
Just For Now
Sweet nothing talks, big dream illusions
Distance has no meaning, connection out of this world
Just For Now
Secrets shared, tears slide down her cheeks
Dark cloud skies, falling apart at the seams
Just For Now
Looking for answers, they can't be found in the bottle
Communication in twisted tongues, voices raise the bar
Just For Now
Confusion and distress, distraction blinds the mask
Outer weakness acknowledged, inner strength irrelevant
Just For Now
Shield invisible, power growing
Greatness emerging, do you see it?
Just For Now
Soft Skin, Tough Heart
Gentle Lips, Harsh Truth
She is your
JUST FOR NOW

Written By: Angelika Amaya 8/13/13

When Reality Hits

I was 16, graduated from high school and college was a few months away. In the meantime, I started taking care of my neighbor. She was just a few months shy of 100 years old. She out lived her entire family. I went to her house everyday to check up on her, feed her, bathe her and clean her house. Her health was declining and I didn't know how to take it, but I went everyday and tried to make her happy and comfortable. 

One day I went into the house and began my normal routine. I noticed it was quieter than normal. I went into her room and she wasn't in her bed. I panicked, I yelled for her and ran through the entire house, checked everywhere she was no where to be found. I called my mom to come back and help me. I sat on her bed and looked for notes suddenly I heard a light moan. Mrs. Baker had fallen between the tiny crack of her bed and the wall. She must had been there for hours and probably broke multiple bones. I knew I couldn't move her, so I called the paramedics and talked to her making sure she was alive and coherent. My mom and the paramedics came at the same time and I hopped in the back of the ambulance and held her hand the entire way. I was so scared and fighting tears because I knew she didn't have much longer to live - she looked grey and was less than 70lbs. So frail and hopeless, it was heart breaking and confusing. 

I was in charge of all her funeral arrangements, selling her house and donating her car. I knew she was giving my dad her truck and wanted me to keep all her china and the quilts she made. But I wasn't ready for her to leave me. She had become my best friend. We spent everyday together and I learned so much from her. Within 2 days of the incident she was in hospice and within 5 days she had passed away. I was shocked. I didn't even cry I think I preferred not to believe it. I was 16 and had meetings with lawyers and doctors to finalize Mrs. Bakers wishes. I cleaned her house one last time, contacted all of her friends. By this time reality still had not settled and I still felt like eventually I was going to hear her voice again, cool her meals and go find cute clothes for her. But I never did. I had her ashes in my house and tons of proof she was gone but I still didn't accept it. I went to college, graduated, got married and had kids and still had not accepted it. 

Until recently death was too much for me to handle. I dismissed it. I dodged the subject and told myself it wasn't real. I remember the day it hit me that I would never see her again. I cried for a week! I felt guilty and like I missed out on making people know her life was great. I wish I would have made a bigger deal about her and who she was in my life. Instead, I pretended like nothing had ever changed for me - or her. I promised myself, along with Mrs. Baker that I would never do that again. I will never dismiss someone's position in my life just to not hurt. Hurting is healthy, mourning is healthy, it's normal. I miss her everyday, and know she's always making a smart remark about things that I do, and that I don't do. 

Who is Ari? She's a woman...

Never The Same

  I remember we spent the night at Grandma and Grandpa's. I didn't know we were going to but I feel asleep before Dad brought Mom back from the hospital. She had a headache all day and even the day before I think. So, I stayed at my grandparents house while Dad took her to urgent care. The next thing I knew, I woke up to my mom, who was laying next to me, crying and saying something I couldn't make out. Then my dad jumped out of bed, ran down the hall, banged on my grandparents bedroom door and yelled "Wake up! There is something wrong with Courtney!"

  When I was finally able to open my eyes, I noticed my mom didn't look like herself. She was crying but her face was a lot more droopy than your average sad face. I also didn't understand why my dad was freaking out so much. I was only 9 years old. Everyone joined us in the living room. My grandparents and 2 aunts. Finally my aunt, Vicky, called 911. I knew what that meant. It was an emergency that we get help to the house. But what was wrong with Mommy? Aunt Vicky brought me to the back of the house to talk to me and try to make sure I was calm. I wasn't really scared, just confused and curious. We met the paramedics in the front yard, then joined everyone back in the living room. When the paramedics were asking my mom questions, her speech was very slurred and she wasn't making much sense. She wasn't answering the questions right. They were simple questions like how old are you and what's your name? She told them her name was Karen. We all looked scared at that point. Finally, the paramedics took my mom to the ambulance and drove away. I didn't understand what was happening and started to cry. When we got back into the house, my sister was crying. She was only 2 weeks old. I remember being the only one who could calm her down, so I held her until she stopped crying.

  The next morning, my grandparents sent me to the neighbors house to play. I didn't want to PLAY! I wanted to know where my mom was and what was happening to her! But, being 9 years old, I didn't have much of a voice to say that. I played at the neighbors but did not have fun. Mommy was the only thing on my mind. Later that day, Dad picked me up and took me to the hospital where my mom was. He told me that she had a stroke and still wasn't speaking clearly but that he wanted me to see her. He knew I wanted to and thought it might help her come back to reality. I didn't know what a stroke was. The way everyone explained it to me at the time, was that an explosion happened in Mommy's brain and caused all kinds of things to happen. Mainly, loss of memory and simple functioning skills. She didn't remember anyone and couldn't walk. When Dad brought me to the ICU, the nurses tried to stop him from bringing me in. He told them where to go and how to get there because this was my mother! I was so grateful to him at that point. His and my relationship was not always so great. When I got in the room, Mom said "Hey Baby!" through her slurred speech. One side of her face was really droopy and she was talking silly. But she knew who I was! I helped her eat a popsicle since one of her hands wasn't working right. She could barely move it. She had to go through a lot of physical therapy. She couldn't come home for what felt like forever! I hated living at my grandparents without her. They didn't wake me up for school the way she did. They didn't do my hair like she did. They did everything they could to make me comfortable but they weren't MOMMY!

  I was laying on the living room floor one night, watching TV. The next thing I knew my mom was standing over me. She was home! I was so happy and excited to see her! I just wanted to go home and be with her. She still had some recovery to go through but we made it work. She needed a lot more of my help around the house and with my sister than I imagined she would. She forgot things a lot. It was frustrating not having Mommy back the way she used to be. We were a good team for a while, but things were never the same.

Explicitly Exposed

   Seems like I always get stuck hearing about all of Cali's sex stories and not even just from her! I remember a time when Diego and me were listening to music and writing songs, when all the sudden his phone rang. It was Douglas. "Hey dude, you won't believe what just happened!" exclaimed Douglas, loud on the speaker. I smirked knowing he was just with Cali. Douglas went on and on about how she switched rotations, from back and forth to circles and how amazing she was when she took control. Apparently, they had sex in her car, at a park, and she rode him in the passenger seat. He was trying to give himself props on how loud she was and how she didn't want to stop. He said her body was full of bruises, scratches and she was even bleeding in places. (In fact, later that day she picked me up bow legged and literally had bleeding knees.) I remember laughing and then all of a sudden feeling like I was being told a sex story about my parents. Cali is like my big sister, I don't like hearing about her this way. I got up and left the room.
   My phone rang, it was Cali "Oh my gosh Ari, guess what!?" I looked at her sideways even though she couldn't see me. "Huh?" I replied, even though I knew everything... like EVERYTHING already! So, she told me all the same stuff. Although, she gave details on his tongue skills and ability to avoid lockjaw. It felt so much better coming from her! Plus now I had stuff to tease Douglas about that he totally left out. So it got me thinking; girl versions of stories are always better! We don't leave anything out and give details. Our details matter. I know the good stuff! Like how many times Douglas went soft or how after a few pumps doggy style, he can barely hang. She liked having sex with him because he was a good kisser and very experimental. He also liked to go down on her which was a huge plus considering they were only cutty buddies. Ari used to crack me up talking about the actual sex part though. She loved everything leading up to him actually putting his penis inside her, that was the less fun part. She never knew if it was his size or the actual technique that wasn't good. Clearly something was missing, which made it not so bad that he didn't last very long. Lucky for her since they both liked to kiss and tell.
   She earned her bragging rights! In fact, because of her, the whole crew tried out her ice tricks. Yup, Ari would put ice in her mouth while giving head. Somewhere out there, multiple women are mad at her for always having to live up to her blow job abilities. Douglas left a lasting impression too. She now compares any kissing experience she has to Douglas. Good thing he's out of the picture now though! Her new stories give more details about sex positions, getting choked during orgasms, and exploring other routes inside, and not just on herself.


Who is Ari? She's a woman...

In love

It was late in October; I was studying for a test and in bed because I had to work in the morning. My best friend came home earlier than I expected and looked really sad. It was her 21st birthday so I figured I wouldn't see her that night at all. Turns out, she got stood up and had nothing to do. So, I told her I'd take her to Applebee's, a local hangout that she can have an alcoholic beverage at, and me being underage could still hangout with her. She got a phone call from a male friend and invited him to come see us, yes us, as if I wanted to hangout or even be there in the first place. I reminded her I wanted to go home soon and was not going to be out all night. I didn't want to be a downer but I had mid terms on the brain and work at 6:00am. The boys came, yes plural so that it would be perfectly set up - one for me, one for her. I saw them and went to the restroom planning my "text escape" when I noticed them both following me into the bathroom. I knew Zach, but not his friend. His friend, apparently, didn't know how to read because he was still following me even into the woman's bathroom. I looked at him crazy and said "wrong bathroom," he looked at me dazed and confused. Said "huh" and suddenly realized what he was doing and went into the men's room. The whole time I was in the restroom, I wondered what he was thinking. When I got back to our table, he was sitting in my spot! My friend even moved and didn't take my purse. Naturally, I was weirded out and concerned for my purse. I asked Zach's friend to move and to give me my purse. He, once again, looked dazed and confused and had no response. I remember looking at my friend giving her the "I'm going to kill you" look. Finally, I was able to get "homeboy" to move and had my purse, although he stayed sitting next to me. Zach finally introduced me to Dallas and I actually heard Dallas say more than "oh" and "huh." I noticed right away he articulated his words and spoke with intelligence. Zach started to get rowdy and embarrass us, so I picked up the tab, grabbed my friend and left.

As we were sitting in the car we pulled out our favorite CD and had a mini jam session as if we were alone in the world. The next thing I knew, Zach and Dallas were at our windows. Dallas was on my side and we talked a little bit. Then my friend looked at me and asked if I was ready to go. Before I could say anything, she drove off, leaving me with no goodbye to Dallas. During our conversation, I learned he was about to leave for New York. I was so excited because I too, had planned on moving there soon. I wanted to keep in touch with him, but since my friend drove off, I had no way of contacting him. We decided to go to a local market and see what ridiculous things we could buy. As we were checking out her phone rang, it was Zach and Dallas. Needless to say Dallas and I exchanged numbers. Days later, as I was packing for a trip to California, I got a text from Dallas. He wanted to see me before he left for New York, but due to my busy schedule that wasn't possible. So I told him to keep in touch and we would meet again soon in New York. He did just that - for two months straight we talked everyday, all day. I learned everything about this man. I shared so many details about myself and learned all about his joys and fears. I fell in love. We fell in love.

The distance became too much to bare. I would dream about holding his hands, holding him tight and kissing his lips. I finally convinced him to come back to Texas after 2 1/2 months. We fell in love fast and hard. Nothing else mattered to either one of us. I dropped out of law school and switched jobs. I made my life around his. Within two weeks of him being back, we moved in together, worked together, worked out together and even showered together. The passion of our love was so strong that I wanted to spend every second with him, and our time together was perfection. We were in love and there was no denying it. Soon enough, we were planning our move to New York. This time, we were moving together and we were engaged. We packed up our life in Texas and moved to New York. We drove across the country, the most amazing road trip ever. We took funny pictures, laughed a lot and bought a bunch of crazy nick nacks from all the cool gas stations we passed. We made a life in New York together, it was beautiful! We got married, and soon became pregnant.

I often think about how I met my Prince Charming... it was at an Applebee's and we barely spoke. Now, almost ten years later, we are married with kids and I still have that same raging passion pumping through my veins. The only difference is I now share my heart with him and my kids.

Who is Ari?  She's a woman....

Embarrassed

Ari is in the backseat of her moms car, all buckled up and holding her favorite Barbie. She's ready for this road trip, it's not just any road trip, she's going to see her daddy - in prison. Ari doesn't really know how to feel other than she's a daddy's girl and can't wait to see him. Mom on the other hand is having mixed feelings. She's not really sure where they stand and certainly never wanted to take her daughter to a prison. They speed through the dark forest like streets on a mission to "see daddy", Ari drifts off and sleeps most of the way. Once they arrive, Ari could tell her mom was nervous, I'm sure she just didn't know what to expect. Ari's dad came out and she ran up to him as fast as she could, he held her tight in his arms and told her how happy he was to see her. They played, talked, ate and walked around until their time was up. Ari felt really sad to leave her daddy and her mom seemed to feel the same way. Ari and her mom got back into town, days, months and even years passed and basically these road trips were second nature, until Ari had a "daddy/daughter dance" at school - it was impossible for her daddy to come, he's in prison. She began asking herself if she was the only one with a dad in prison, and if he was gonna be there forever. Her emotions got the best of her and her mom noticed some changes. Ari started to lie and tell people her dad worked out of town and blamed his absence on working hard to provide for their family, when really that's exactly what her mom did. After a while Ari started to realize how much she was lying, how often the lie came up and how she wished her life was normal. She became angry, at everyone. All the other girls have their daddy's and they never have to leave them. Ari started to beg not to go on the road trips and write a little less. Cali chimed in and told her shes being selfish and rude, Ari wasn't trying to hear it so she brushed it off. Over time she felt really guilty and before she knew it her dad was out. Everyone acted normal but Ari still didn't feel better, she missed out on a lot of stuff while her dad was away and always feared he would leave again. Ultimately he did but not till years later when she was graduating college. 

Who is Ari? She's a woman... 

Road Trip'd

   Nevi had been having a really hard time dealing with life lately. She had been suffering from night terrors and feeling completely isolated. She was on a mission in some rural part of Florida, completely surrounded by guys. She sent numerous texts to Cali and me saying how depressed she was. We began to worry. Needless to say, she needed a friend!

  Cali and I had a day off together and Nevi was only a couple hours away so, we decided to take a road trip. We left the kids with their dads and hit the road around 6am the next morning. It had been a while since we had been able to spend time together without our kids so, Cali and I we were excited for the drive alone. It had also been months since either of us had seen Nevi which built up the anticipation even more. We were like kids ecstatic for Disneyland!

  On our way, we took a highway neither one of us had been on before. The things we saw were quite entertaining. Out of no where, the speed limit dropped from 75 to 35 miles per hour. This "town" we passed through, was about 8 buildings long. On one side of the road, was houses. Mostly run-down and broken. On the other side, was a general store, a "family fun" building (which looked like it hasn't been fun for decades), a rock store (yes to buy rocks), a burger joint, a gas station and a couple buildings that couldn't be deciphered. It was like a funny scene from a movie. We felt like we may have gotten ourselves lost. There wasn't a person to be seen! 

  The next thing we knew, we were in the middle of absolute no where! Just landscape all around us. I said to Cali, "Dude, I feel like we are in the movie The Hills Have Eyes!" She says, "I know right! That's exactly what I was just thinking!" Just then, the universe agreed with us. We passed a sign that read "3 Slashes Rd." We both freaked out! I sped up to get as far away from there as possible.

  After passing through another semi-deserted "town" and over countless hills, civilization appeared ahead! We called Nevi to make sure she was awake. Even though my call woke her up, her voice was full of excitement to see us. After I hung up the phone, Cali asked, "Ari, you know what I was just thinking?" Immediately knowing what she was thinking, I replied, "It would be awesome if we could make it to the beach?" "Yes!", she exclaimed. We decided to Google beaches in an attempt to find one close. We were limited on time so we hadn't planned for that. We also weren't going to get our hopes up. We were shocked to learn there was a beach only 20 miles away! We wanted to surprise Nevi, so when we picked her up we told her to get in, buckle up and enjoy the ride. There was no set plan so she didn't think much of our demeanor. We cranked the tunes and hit the road again. Cali and I were practically jumping out of our skin! We wanted so badly to see the water, but also knew how much it would mean to Nevi and help her release stress. 

  The road was doing a great job of not giving away our surprise. There was land all around us and mountains on the horizon. Our GPS told us we would arrive in about 15 minutes and the beach would be on our right. However, our excitement quickly turned into unease. To the right, we noticed hills forming in the distance. Cali and I looked at each other, confused. She whispered to me, "Um, Ari? How is there a beach on the right when we can see hills?" I shrugged. The GPS had us on one highway the whole time so it wasn't as if we took a wrong turn. That's when Nevi asked, "Hey where are we going? I'm starving!" Cali replied, "We'll there should be food were we are going." I giggled, shook my head and thought to myself, "We HOPE there is food where we are going" there was no other cars on the road, no buildings, no people. 
  When our GPS told us we arrived at our location, we all sat there in shock! The most shocked was Nevi. "You guys came all the way out here, picked me up just to bring me to a ghost town?" She asked. All Cali and I could do was laugh. The sign on the road was so worn by weather and faded by the sun, that all we could make out was "BEACHTOWN." False advertising at its finest. We explained to Nevi that we had good intentions. We knew it would help and that she would love going to the beach. We blamed Google for bringing us to this ghost town with a lake.
  We decided to drive closer to the water. While driving slow, we saw broken down homes and dilapidated old cars. Not a person in sight. Nevi looked out the window and in a shaky, nervous voice said "Wow, vultures." We all busted out in laughter. Even with our somewhat scared moods, we decided to get out of the car when we saw the stair case leading up to the water. The stair case was warped wood and missing a step. The closer we got to the water, the more we could smell it. It wasn't the soft, salty scent of the ocean we longed for, however. It was a smell of funk. Similar to that of sewage.
  After only spending a few minutes at this make-shift, imaginary ocean, all of our stomachs were growling. We spent the rest of the afternoon eating lunch, doing a little shopping, drinking coffee and having some much needed girl talk.
  Honestly, even though it was pretty much the opposite of what we were looking for, we were happy. We had fun. We were grateful to be together. We were experienced something new (and also something we never wanted to experience again). We took a risk. We had an adventure that we can always look back on with joy in our hearts.
  We are so blessed to have each other. I love Nevi. She is beautiful, strong, brave, crazy, silly, fills any room with light and puts a smile on every one's face. Cali is an amazing woman! She's seen struggles neither Nevi, nor myself have seen. She remains positive through it all. She's gorgeous, smart, articulate and a wonderful mother. Me? I'm the big sister. We notice quite often, that's the role I take. Even though I am the oldest (not by much, let's not get crazy), I look up to those two. They are my role models. They bring out the best in me. I am blessed to have them.


Who is Ari? She's a woman...